Keyword – The Filter
Trefwoorden – Life and style, Sex
Title – ‘How do we make time for intimacy?’: sex expert Alix Fox answered your questions | Life and style | The Guardian
Author – https://www.theguardian.com/profile/alix-fox
Link – ‘How do we make time for intimacy?’: sex expert Alix Fox answered your questions | Life and style | The Guardian
Publish date – 2026-09-09T15:10:59.000Z
Category – Lifestyle
URL – https://www.theguardian.com/thefilter/live/2026/sep/09/the-filter-reader-q-and-a-ask-sexual-culture-and-wellbeing-expert-alix-fox-a-question
That’s all, folks!
This has been appropriately pleasurable. Thank you for being such good spurts…I mean, sports , and for your generosity in sharing such sensitive, thoughtful and vulnerable questions. There are still a huge number of queries I’d love to respond to, so hopefully the Guardian will have me back for a second date and this won’t be a one-night stand. Sex isn’t a one-size-fits-all affair. The advice and ideas I’ve given today can’t possibly be comprehensive, and there is so much more to say on almost every topic we’ve touched upon. Still, I think we’ve opened up some fascinating and important conversations, as well as some titillatingly entertaining ones. It is my eternal honour to be trusted with such personal subject matter. May the rest of your Wednesday be decadently delectable. Happy Hump Day, superhumans!
Should food and sex be kept apart?
DrabWilly asks : Chocolate mousse from a bowl is nice, but would you consider it demented to put it on a person?
Alix: Putting it on a person? Delicious. Putting it in a person, and not in their mouth? That’s a recipe for a not-so-tasty infection. Sorry to go all ‘server at Frankie and Benny’s’ at you too, but it’s probably wise to check whether your partner has any allergies before you dish mousse up all over their caboose, too.
I thoroughly recommend a Splashblanket if you don’t want your bed to end up looking like a faecal version of the Triangle of Sadness cruise ship scene afterwards.
What can I do to encourage more exploration?
mahargekim asks I am in a relatively new relationship (four months) and finding it difficult to understand what ‘works’ when it comes to intimacy. My gf expresses a strong desire to engage in foreplay before intercourse, but she has yet to be more specific than saying she ‘wants to make out’. I am very attracted to her and want to be patient/understanding of her needs. What can I do to encourage our bond and interest in exploration?
Alix: Your attitude rocks. Great job foregrounding patience, and enthusiasm to understand your girlfriend’s erotic idiosyncrasies. I wish more lovers were like you, and were keenly inquisitive about their partners’ pleasure rather than making assumptions.
There are a number of reasons why your girlfriend might be stopping short of giving you more information about her desires than “I want to make out”. She might be shy about articulating more explicit cravings: it can be incredibly intimidating. Despite your encouragement, she might be nervous that you’ll balk at some of her requests, or be turned off or weirded out. She might not actually know exactly what she likes from a partner, or how to describe it. There’s also a chance that by focusing her requests on making out, she’s hinting at wanting to slow things down, and genuinely wants to spend plenty of time kissing and warming up before moving on to anything else.
To help kick off illuminating discussions, I think you’d both benefit from an exercise involving filling out ‘Yes/No/Maybe’ checklists together. These are pre-written lists of sexual activities; types of touch; sexual words and names you like or dislike; and places on the body that are on or off limits for you, designed to help you think deeply and communicate clearly about your personal sexual interests. They’re great prompts for considering what makes you tick or gives you the ick, and they’re useful for introducing handy terminology if someone is struggling to express themselves. There are lots of templates online, but the best I’ve found are prepared by Justin Hancock and Meg-John Barker, authors of A Practical Guide to Sex: Finally, Helpful Sex Advice! Find somewhere cosy where you both feel comfy, make a brew, and see if things become clearer after this ice-breaker
Why does sex hurt sometimes?
Nothanku asks: I’ve discussed this issue with a gyno already but didn’t get the most helpful answer: why does sex hurt sometimes? It feels like there isn’t a real rhyme or reason. It’s not linked to my cycle or anything I can tell. The doctor suggested it’s because I’m thin and my partner is hitting my ovaries (???) but sex has hurt when I’ve had more weight on and not. Sometimes a position that wasn’t painful before becomes painful and then becomes unpainful. It’s like a weird ghost of pain is just floating around and I never know when and where it’ll pop up or why. I’m a woman, late 30s and partner is male early 40s, but it’s been an issue for at least the past seven or so years. Not consistent enough that I’ve tried to raise it again with a doctor but also consistent enough to be annoying and frustrating.
Alix: You are a valuable human being who deserves better answers than “Um, dunno”, and better sexual experiences than years of being haunted by pain. I appreciate that it can be a real slog getting good medical evaluation, diagnosis and advice, but please find a fresh gynaecologist. I find the suggestion that your ovaries somehow getting smacked about like clackers is an exceedingly odd, unlikely explanation for your discomfort. Some people maintain that deep penetration that bangs the cervix can be painful for them, but I don’t feel at all confident dismissing what’s happening to you as that. I don’t think your weight is the issue here, either.
All sorts could be happening. It might be an issue with tight or spasmodic pelvic floor muscles. It might be fibroids, endometriosis or PMOS (previously referred to as PCOS). Without wanting to alarm you, as I realise this sounds extreme but I’d be remiss not to raise it, pain during penetration can also be a sign of certain gynaecological cancers. I’m an ambassador for the superb gynae cancer charity The Eve Appeal, and they run an ‘Ask Eve’ phone line where people can talk through their personal situations with a trained nurse if they’re worried. Dial 0808 802 0019 free of charge, or email nurse@eveappeal.org.uk for advice.
Seven years of unexplained, unpredictable pain is most definitely consistent enough to raise it again with a doctor. I hope you find a competent, dedicated one who can help you get to the bottom of this. It may not be serious, but it’s worth taking seriously. I wish you well.
Can desensitisation happen?
Greygoose77 asks : Can electronic sex toys cause desensitisation?
Alix: Short answer: nope. But they can temporarily alter the threshold of stimulatory intensity that you require in order to get off. That has been covered more fully here .
How do we find the time?
SagittariusLe asks: Sex when life is genuinely exhausting – advice often tells women to ‘make time for intimacy’, but what does healthy intimacy actually look like when you’re parenting, working, caring for others and already running on empty?
Alix: Mate, I hear you. And I suspect you’re going to sigh with all the power of a wind tunnel when I tell you that unless you prioritise intimacy, it isn’t going to happen. You have to block in time for it – which will likely mean booting something else out of your diary. That can seem hard at first, when EVERYTHING feels important if not essential. But what’s harder is mourning a dwindling love life. Plus, having a sexy, silly, scrumptious time with a lover can be like a triple espresso when it comes to putting a pep in your step and soothing everyday stress. It may sound trite, but when intimacy functions as a therapeutic release, ‘doing it’ can actually help you get other things done.
To be clear, I’m talking about scheduling intimacy, not necessarily intercourse . Nobody should feel duty bound to engage in any particular physical act when the allotted date rolls round. You may find it helpful (and a welcome turn on) to write a ‘menu’ of different erotic ‘dishes’ you might like to choose from during a date night, ranging from more delicate flavours like having your hair washed for you or a bubble bath for two, to spicier exploits like taking turns to read from an explicit book. Dr Sara Nasserzadeh, author of Love by Design: 6 Ingredients to Build a Lifetime of Love , says “scheduled sexy time should feel like a restaurant reservation: sometimes you’ll fancy a lighter meal; other times, a richer dish. You may both pick different courses, or feel drawn to the same plate. The only criteria is that everyone comes away satisfied – which doesn’t always require orgasm, by the way.”
Some other quick tips:
– Practice ‘choreplay’. This is where you both pitch in to pack the lunches, walk the dogs, hoover before you can dive under the duvet. If you’re not equally pulling your weight pre-date, resentment will breed. Stick on some good music, pitch in as a team, then reward yourself with sauciness.
– If you’re too cream crackered late at night, experiment with setting your alarm a bit earlier for some morning sex, or sneaking in a quickie while the kids are parked in front of the TV.
– Microdate. Eat your usual dinner by candlelight. Watch the sun set while holding hands for five minutes. Have a pillow fight. Go for a ten minute drive in the car singing along to the radio together. Smash in some microdoses of romance wherever you’re able.
Why are sex toys so fruity now?
From Catherine_The_Great on Instagram: Why are so many sex toys suddenly shaped like fruits?! It’s driving me bananas!
Alix: Short answer: social media.
Demonstrations of people fingering split peaches, thumb-gouging grapefruits and pouring lube on papayas became popular on sex ed social accounts as a way of circumventing Meta’s censorship rules, which ban realistic depictions of genitalia.
These fruity associations then jumped to sex toy design. Again, advertising a stimulator for the clitoris that looks like citrus is a whole lot easier than promoting a dildo that looks like a dong.
Emojis may have played a role, too – in fact, there’s a whole range of “Emojibators”, modelled in the shape of aubergine willies and peachy bums.
Recently, a firm called Hello Nancy has had phenomenally juicy success with a lemon-themed toy , that went stratospheric on socials. It’s spawned vast punnets of similarly inspired gadgets in the shape of peaches, strawberries and avocados.
The cute, unintimidating approachability of these toys plays into their popularity, as well. They may look like they have seeds, but they don’t look seedy.
What can we do when medication hinders intimacy?
emmykoistangerine asks:
Over the past year or so, both myself (male) and my sexual partner(s) (female) have struggled with libido and reaching orgasm due to prescribed antidepressant/SSRI use. This in turn has led to the development of mental blocks around sex and intimacy in general. Do you have any advice for rekindling a sex life as well as how to go about establishing a fulfilling sex life when on these medications?
Alix: Antidepressants are well known for helping with the blues, but have an unfortunate effect on your pink bits. Lots of people find that they reduce sex drive, and they can impact physical arousal and make climax harder to reach, too.
You shouldn’t alter your medication regime without speaking to a doctor first, but it’s worth chatting with your GP about options to improve these side-effects. You might be able to switch the type of meds you’re on, alter the dose, or change the time of day that you take them, so that they’re not having such a dominant influence when you head to bed.
I’m not surprised you’re feeling tense about intimacy, you pair of precious people. You’re both already battling depression, and it sounds like your medications have led to a few uncomfortable situations where sex has either been a non-starter or a non-finisher for the pair of you, so now you worry about it being a flop again. That’s a whole lot of pressure.
Let’s think about ways to dial back the stress, inject some joy, and make the physicality of things an easy win. For starters, how would you feel about a date night where you watch a great comedy show together, and just snog? Where the aim is simply laughing and kissing? Things might get gradually easier once you’ve ‘broken the seal’ and had at least one shared experience that’s enjoyable and sensual.
Are male sex toys acceptable?
ProfWhitty asks: Are male sex toys (e.g. fleshlights) acceptable in the way vibrators are?
Alix: They should be.
However, it remains considerably more verboten for men – especially straight men – to own sex toys, and particularly for solo pleasure rather than for partnered use.
There’s a judgmental, insidious idea that while women’s vibrators represent empowerment and self-discovery, male masturbation devices are for lonely, socially inept dudes who can’t get a real lover.
I don’t think it helps that some penile stimulation gadgets resemble disembodied bits of women, in a way that some people interpret as chauvinistic or creepy. Firms like Tenga , Lelo , Hot Octopuss and Arcwave are leading the way in manufacturing men’s toys that are far more sculptural, swish-looking and abstract – although I contest the idea that if you happen to like stimulators that resemble human genitals rather than a component from a sportscar showroom, you’re automatically a wrong ‘un.
The tide is of social opinion gradually turning, and I welcome that, because male toys offer a host of benefits. For example, penetrable ‘stamina training’ devices such as those by MYHIXEL are designed to coach men to last longer during partnered sex, by helping them to become more body aware and practice resisting ejaculation as they gradually amp up the intensity of stimulation and suction that the toy provides. Other toys can be a boon for blokes with disabilities: Hot Octopuss originally developed their ‘guybrators’, which can conjure up orgasmic feelings even from a flaccid penis, to support men with spinal cord injuries who were unable to get erect.
Most importantly in my book, though, is that toys are FUN. I believe erotic pleasure and exploration should be available for everyone, no matter what parts they’re packin’. Folks who are open-minded about exploration and have a playful attitude to sex tend to be the best in bed, I’ve found. And a man who’s enjoyed toys himself is less likely to be uptight about using them on and with me. So give me a toy boy, any day.
What is the latest advice on HIV?
From a user on Instagram : So much has changed since the 80s regarding HIV/AIDS. What would you highlight? HIV/AIDS stigma shamefully remains. Could you share more about U=U & PEP/PREP?
Alix: I was born in 1982, when the term ‘AIDS’ first entered the dictionary, and when contracting HIV was pretty much a death sentence. Nowadays, I’m a PhD researcher at UCL’s Institute for Global Health, specialising in HIV prevention and care, and a member of activist group ACT UP. Today, people living with HIV who are on effective medication can expect to live long, healthy lives, and I fervently wish that more people knew that we’re a long way from the tombstone ads and grave prognoses of the 80s.
The modern meds that folks living with HIV are now prescribed are called ART: antiretroviral therapy. Not only do these medicines help people thrive to an age where their glorious wrinkles resemble the Grand Canyon, but they can also reduce the amount of virus in a person’s bloodstream – known as their ‘viral load’ – to a level so low that it registers as negligible on tests: a situation called ‘Undetectable’. Once Undetectable status is achieved, and so long as it is maintained, that person then cannot pass the HIV virus on – even via condomless sex. This fact has been nicknamed ‘Undetectable equals Untransmissible’, or ‘U=U’.
The science behind U=U has been robustly proven, primarily by a couple of studies called PARTNER and PARTNER 2 . Both studies examined couples in which one person was HIV+ and medicated, with an undetectable viral load, whilst their lover was HIV negative. During PARTNER, the couples had sex a whopping 58,500 times without using condoms. There were zero HIV transmissions.
PARTNER 2 repeated this experiment, except with 800 gay couples who had condomless sex more than 77,000 times (I gather that there’s some braggadocios pride amongst the gay cohort that they got jiggy more than the straights). Again, there were zero HIV transmissions. So, it’s established: people living with HIV on effective medication with an undetectable viral load cannot pass the virus on. Sing it from the rooftops!
HIV prevention has advanced too. Pre-exposure prophylaxis, aka PrEP, is a medicine available for free on the NHS. It’s designed to be taken by people without HIV, and it prevents them from acquiring the virus if they’re accidentally exposed to it. It’s 99% effective when used correctly.
The UK Health Security Agency is aiming to end all new HIV transmissions by 2030, and we have the medical tools to achieve that – although funding and education are also vital.
Keep your eyes open for a new injectable form of HIV medicine called Lenacapavir. It only needs to be administered twice a year, and is highly effective as well as convenient. At present in England, it’s only given to people living with HIV who struggle to take oral tablets, but there’s a big push from activists and HIV charities for it to be made available as PrEP. It’s prohibitively expensive, though, so there’s pressure on manufacturers Gilead to drop the price. Expect headlines soon.
Is there a good strap-on for the petite?
From Lil_Bean_2001 on Instagram: Where can petite people get good strap on harnesses? I bought a cheap ‘standard’ one but because I’m a really small person so the adjustable straps hang down and flap all over the place – it’s an annoying mood-killer. Where can I get something that doesn’t look and feel like I’m trying to bungee cord a truck roof rack on to a pushbike?
Alix: One of the perks of being a sexpert is that I’m in a whole bunch of Whatsapp groups full of professionally perfectionist perverts. Whether you have a painstakingly precise request for a painful flogger; want someone who can custom craft you an evil spanking paddle embedded with Lego; or need recommendations for house moving firms who can discreetly transport BDSM bondage furniture from E17 to CF10, someone in my groups will have the exact answer.
I put your question to some of my specialist contacts. “Talk to AslanLeather.com – they’re not cheap, but you’ll never look back,” came one reply. “They can make the straps to whatever length you require. My favourite model is the Jaguar strap-on, all day long, but some prefer the Minx.”
“You could also attend a Big Strap Project workshop and make your own, to your unique specifications,” pinged another suggestion. “It’s a great experience too.”
What about audio porn?
BiancaOmni asks: What impact is audio porn having? It seems like the new craze since erotic literature a few years back. I’ve heard some say it’s better for couples as they can focus on each other better while they listen. Others have said it’s good for those struggling with porn addiction.
Alix: Interest in audio erotica has been growing exponentially since the pandemic, when we were all stuck indoors, deprived of saucy human contact. For example, explicit audio app Dipsea saw an 84% increase in subscribers in 2020. They made such an impact on the sexual wellbeing space that their co-founder, Gina Gutierrez, was recently invited to give a main stage TED talk about the power of erotic imagination. They were also featured as one of Apple’s Apps of the Day in 2025 – no mean feat during an era of censorship when so much sensual expression is being squashed and silenced.
Personally, I’m a megafan of story app Quinn, who boast a host of celebrity names among their narrators, including Jamie Campbell Bower from Stranger Things. His vocal talents are exceptional: he’s got a dark, deep purr that sounds as though James Bond villain Blofield’s lap cat has become both verbal and voraciously horny.
I often recommend audio erotica to busy people who are struggling to fit sensuality into their schedules, or who find that once the precious allotted half-hour arrives where they finally have chance to indulge in some self-pleasure or partnered sex, it’s difficult to switch out of work/parenting/admin mode.
You can listen to audio spice during your commute home (on headphones, please!): there’s an extra layer of naughtiness about tuning into a sizzling scene while riding the 38 bus. Or while you bathe before bed; or apply makeup prior to a date. It acts as on-the-go foreplay. Many apps allow you to choose stories and role plays by length, so if you only have ten minutes to add some hot sauce to your day, it’s doable.
In terms of listening together as a couple, I’ve heard some people say that audio porn can almost feel like having a virtual threesome: there’s an extra human presence in the room. If you’re used to watching video pornography, listening to audio scenes might help encourage you to use your imagination more to visualise what’s being described – it can feel like a more involved, creative experience than straightforward consumption of film footage. It’s certainly easier to be present with a partner if your eyeballs aren’t glued to a screen.
Some audio erotica explores supernatural themes, decadent settings and surreal, out-of-this-world scenarios that would be difficult to convincingly portray on film without a huge budget. As a result, some find it excitingly expands their sexual palate.
I can imagine how switching from video to audio material might help those struggling with compulsive porn consumption, not least because most of the platforms it’s delivered on aren’t so driven by algorithms designed to keep you clicking for hours. If your porn use feels out of control, however, ideally I’d recommend seeking professional support from an expert sexual-psychotherapist like Silva Neves .
How can I help my daughters find healthy relationships?
AmongstTheWaves asks: Are my daughters entering a time where love, sensuality and respect are hard to find in the sexual landscape and do you have any advice for parents?
Alix : Lovely human, I really can understand your concern. In a time of Trump and Andrew Tate; non-consensual intimate image abuse and nudification apps; misogyny, manospheres and red pills, it’s easy to be on red alert about your daughters’ safety and feel heartachingly bleak about their romantic futures.
I’d urge you, though, to try not to accidentally infuse your children with a sense of hopelessness about human connection. Instead, teach them that they are absolutely worthy of love, sensuality and respect, and that they shouldn’t settle for less. Model healthy relationships as much as you can at home. Talk to them about consent, and how to set and preserve personal boundaries. When it’s time to discuss safer sex, chat about emotional safety as well as physical safety: what actions and behaviours would make them feel secure, valued, adored, and joyful?
People with sons: please, do the same.
My favourite resources to help guide constructive, compassionate conversations with young people about sex and relationships include the glorious Sex Positive Families , BISH , Brook and Outspoken Sex Ed .
Instilling a sense of sensible caution is vital, but let’s not send our children out into the world feeling jaded about love before they’ve even reached adulthood. There are wonders, still. Such wonders! The more of us who try to raise smart, savvy, self-possessed and self-respecting youngsters who know they can come to us with questions, the more the chances of wonderful love remain high.
Welcome to the Conversation
A good sex life is key to a good life. Want to know how to improve yours, whether that’s practical advice on how to broach the subject of trying something new (and what to do if your partner reacts poorly); how to become more confident at talking dirty or giving constructive in-the-sack feedback; or even how to be intimate with your partner when you’re just plain knackered?
No question is too niche or too embarrassing, too mild or too wild – from how to give great massages and tried-and-tested toys to spend your money on; to how to keep sex comfortable and fun after medical challenges and life changes.
The Filter’s sexual culture and wellbeing expert, Alix Fox answered your questions.
Read the Q&A now.
